The Bleeding Mind

It's happened to me, it's probably happened to you, and if it hasn't yet, rest assured someday it will. At some point you will meet that one special person who will put their fist through your heart. Forgive the gory allusion, but if you've ever been in mad love, you know what I'm taking about. Mad love is when you fall so passionately for a person (particularly the wrong person) that nothing else in the world matters. You find yourself thinking about your heartthrob constantly, creating fantasy scenarios that bring you together and trying your damnedest to make those scenarios happen in real life. You believe that you have finally found that one magical being who suddenly brings a sense of meaning to your existence and you will persue them with all the fervor of Wile E. Coyote after a Roadrunner dinner - with, I might add, about as much success.

We've all done it. We've all selected the wrong partners, all gotten hurt, and hopefully all moved on wiser for the experience. But there are those who, even in the face of constant disappointment, continue to believe that the intensity of their desire will be rewarded by an eventual jackpot of affection. And if that's the slot machine you're playing, friend, you'd better leave the casino 'cause that one don't pay out. Advice to someone in the throes of mad love is pretty meaningless, because any capacity they once had for rational thought has long since split for Aruba. Despite the setbacks and heartaches, the pursuer tunes out their inner voice of sanity and is more willing to swallow the tears, paint on a smile, and once again resume the chase.

- Paul Dini

my good friend emma and i like to share the occasional phone call. not very often, as i prefer talking in person or texting, but we do sometimes indulge ourselves a long couple of hour chitchat on t'old dog and bone. and when we do so, hilarity ensues.
take for instance this little snippet of a recent conversation:

emma: "did you see that james may on the moon programme last night?"
sian: "no but i heard about it. wasn't he like going to the moon or something?"
e: "...yes. anyway, you know those spinny g-force things they test astronauts in?"
s: "yeah, they're awesome."
e: "i get to go in one of them if i get in at nasa."
s:"seriously? WOW. you have to send me a postcard."
e: "i'm not entirely sure nasa has a giftshop."
s: "course they do. but if they're sold out, you could make one, i just want the picture of your face whilst on that thing."
e: "fair enough, that would be pretty funny."
s: "i'll frame it."
e: "but then you won't be able to see the writing on the back."
s: "it's okay, they'll have invented cloning by then."
e: "cloning?"
s: "yeah, so i can have the original picture side up and then the copy in another frame so i can read the back."
e: "...OR you could photocopy it, that technology's already been invented."
s: "...oh, yeah, i could do that. *both dissolve in laughter* i guess it would be pretty hard trying to feed a tablet to a piece of paper."
e: "a tablet? is that how cloning works?"
s: "i dunno, they haven't worked it out yet, have they?"
e: "i think they have actually."
s: "really? well this is an interesting development. how do you know?"
e: "well they cloned that sheep."
s: "what, from a sheep?"
e: "...yes. it was called dolly, remember?"
s: "oh, yes! i think i do. that albino thing, yeah?"
e: "...er, no."
s: "well what was that then?"
e: "i have no idea..."
s: "huh."

good times.

mother's stopped drinking coffee now, and started on the peppermint tea. which means the cupboards stink of polos. i asked her why the big change - as it now means i start the day with a certain uninvited minty freshness in my coffee.

"mum, why does my coffe taste of mint?"
"oh sorry, i've started drinking peppermint tea."
"no shit. why?"
"well, i normally have a coffee in my breaktimes, but i work with kids and they don't always like the smell of coffee."
"you work at the grove, and you're worried about what you smell like?"
"what's your point?"
"most of the kids there smell of piss."
"well, not all of them."
"..."
"okay, a lot of them, but i don't wanna smell of piss!"
"you don't, you smell of coffee."
"..shut up!"

oh, comedy japes.

shit's going good at the moment, would you adam and eve it. therapy's having an effect, i'm feeling pretty good energy wise, i've got a new guitar, i'm not too far behind on my school work, and i'm getting good grades in the bits i have done, which is reassuring. i'm enjoying spending time with my friends again, and am really glad to be able to call rex a friend again, 'cause she's a total hoot and, well, pretty darn awesome really. speaking of which, the ebullient miss kelly and i are off to see the horrors in december! yes, really! i genuinely can't express how excited i am to be being in the same room as five such incredible people as themselves. methinks it'll be a night to remember. oh, all of that and this dress now fits me. i bought it off t'internet at my birthday, but it was a bit too small, so now it fits i wear it round the house all the time, purely becasue it makes me smile. sad or what?
ooh, while i'm here, i need some more film for my polaroid - anyone know where i can get any cheap?
well that's about it really for what's been a-going on round here, so i better get some sleep, got a lot of work to do tomorrow. see you cats on the walk x

-just robbed this off cee, totally the best quiz i've ever done -

1. YOUR SPY NAME: (middle name and current street name)
Leanne Ash

2. YOUR MOVIE STAR NAME: (grandfather/grandmother on your mom"s side, your favorite candy)
June Fruitella

3. YOUR RAP NAME: (first initial of first name, first three or four letters of your middle name)
S-Lea

4. YOUR GAMER TAG: (a favorite color, a favorite animal)
Black Cat

5. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME: (middle name, city where you were born)
Leanne Ronkswood

6. YOUR STAR WARS NAME: (first 3 letters of your last name, last 3 letters of mother"s maiden name, first 3 letters of your pet"s name)
Grestygeo

7. JEDI NAME: (middle name spelled backwards, your mom"s name spelled backwards)
Ennaeluol

8. PORN STAR NAME: (first pet"s name, the street you grew up on)
Ollie Challenger

9. SUPERHERO NAME: ("The", your favorite color, the automobile your parent drives)
The Black Mercedes

10. YOUR ACTION HERO NAME: (first name of a main character in the last movie/book you read, last food you ate)
Ignatius Apple

after seeing little boots' 'new in town' on nme this morning, it's been stuck in my head and i actually like it. love it, almost. i've had her myspace up on a different tab all morning with it on repeat.

the first time i heard her i wrote her off as another shite pop act who'd had a crash course on using synths and therefore apparently makes her an 80's revival musical genius. but i actually really like this song, not so sure about the rest of her stuff, but i'll be off to buy the new in town seven inch this weekend.

ahh, apologising feels good.

i've had a few nagging weights on my shoulders recently because of things that have happened between me and certain friends, and it's been driving me insane.

so. the other night i decided that i'd apologise to the people i'd wronged. a bit like that jesus thing where you sit in the wooden box and tell the priest what you've done wrong and then he slaps you and tells you that the almighty will appreciate your honesty and your soul is saved. or am i thinking about karma? oh, i don't know. but all that religious stuff aside, i think there might be something behind it. because since i have, and everyone's like 'accepted my apologies' and all that, which they've been really great about by the way, i've felt so much better. because like, there's no animosity, i'm not isolating people i care about by not talking to them about things. it's good.

i would thoroughly recommend it. for the soul and that.

right, so, because of this whole m.e situation, i'm having to have cognitive behavioural therapy, which is supposed to change the way you interpret and think about things, and noticing how certain thoughts can affect your energy levels and helping yourself through changing them. the psychologist i see is really lovely, although he does make me cry almost every time i see him because i don't like talking about the condition and everything. he (and practically everyone else in my life) keeps telling me that bottling things up the way i do, and blocking out particular subjects and people is having an adverse effect on me. he wants me to talk to someone when there's something wrong, not ignore it and pretend i'm okay.

well, i'm not very good at talking about myself, especially important things, so i'm doing it through a quiz. interviews are easier than monologues. i think i'll be better at it if i'm asked questions directly and can answer them directly, rather than just talk inanely about stuff. so here goes.

TEN things you wish you could say to TEN different people right now:

1.
i'm senselessly and unwillingly in love with you. and it fucking hurts. because i know you don't love me anymore, you don't look at me the same, you don't say my name that way or crave me like you used to. but i can't tell you because you're with her. and it kills me.

2.
i know you're trying your best, and i appreciate it, but you're not always right and being stubborn about that isn't going to help anyone

3.
you infuriate me sometimes

4.
please don't die.

5.
i hope you know by now that i never said what she told you i did, and that you know me well enough to know that i wouldn't. i really really miss you.

6.
seriously, what's wrong with you? i've never done anything to you and yet you do this to me? i know what you're going through, i am as well, and it's fucking hard, but you don't see me doing that to other people, do you?

7.
i like you, but not like that

8.
i admire you

9.
thank you.

10.
just fuck off.

NINE things about yourself:

1.
i come over as confident and self assured, but i'm actually very shy and in-secure about a lot of things - just good at hiding it

2.
i'm tired of being teenage.

3.
i love books. especially comparing sociological novels from different time periods, which i guess makes me a geek. but i'd rather live in the world that my favourite authors create than this ruthless, sadistic one.

4.
i'm completely obsessed with music. krautrock, psychedelia, post-punk, motown, rock'n'roll, psychobilly, art/noise rock. i love it, but no one else i know does so i can't talk about it.

5.
i feel distant from my friends because i've not long been in their group but am never at school with them and don't have the energy to go out with them so i feel like a gate-crasher when i do go to school

6.
i don't like talking or thinking about my feelings so i'm always doing something else to take my mind off it. making paper cranes and playing solitaire (with cards, not computer) are the latest.

7.
i did something really stupid over christmas to get back at a friend for something she did in return to something she was told i said but i actually didn't, and i really regret reacting to it, because now she doesn't like me. but i really miss her.

8.
i hate how i look in everything i wear, there's always one part that looks hideous. i stopped wearing make-up when i realised it couldn't change my face

9.
i really love ballet. i desperately want to get better so i can return to my classes.

EIGHT ways to win your heart:

1.
don't make false promises. and keep the one's you do.

2.
DON'T cheat on me. the one thing i hate in this world more than anything else is infidelity. i don't understand it

3.
don't pick me up and drop me down at your convenience

4.
don't lie to me. don't tell me you love me unless you do.

5.
enjoy my company. fuck off if you don't.

6.
hug me regularly without trying to feel me up.

7.
don't EVER send me chocolates, teddy bears, heart shaped cushions or cheesy cards

8.
don't try and be something you're not when you're with me. pretending to be manly won't impress me, neither will pretending you're sensitive. the only way i'll be impressed by you is if you're genuine, and not scared to be so.

SEVEN things that cross your mind a lot:

1.
the future.

2.
my career

3.
friends

4.
the things i regret

5.
certain people who i wish were still in my life

6.
what my friends think of me

7.
if i'll get better and what will happen if i don't

SIX things you do before you go to bed:

1.
check my phone for messages

2.
brush my teeth

3.
change into some old clothes and slip under the duvet before i can see my reflection

4.
read my book

5.
ponder things

6.
twenty five sit ups. it tires me out, but makes up for the exercise i can no longer do

FIVE people who mean a lot.

1.
family

2.
school friends

3.
other friends

4.
that cancer on my brain who i still stupidly love

5.
reflexologist - she's wise, and is almost my second therapist

FOUR things you’re wearing right now.

1.
nude tshirt with lace at the top

2.
black lace skirt

3.
opaque black tights

4.
...underwear

THREE songs that currently describe your life.

1.
weirdo - charlatans -- i don't really fit in anywhere, but i guess a lot of people think that.

2.
waiting - new model army -- it seems that that has become the story of my life - waiting.

3.
i don't have a god - robots in disguise -- i've decided that it's just not feasible. if there were some higher power that was just, well, things would be very different to how they are now

TWO things you want to do before you die:

1.
learn to actually tell people how i feel about them and not let them slip through my fingers

2.
play rosemary in the evil seed by joanne harris if it's adapted into a film, and play mrs lovett in sweeney todd, either on stage or in a remake

ONE confession:

1.
i've never been that deeply honest about most of this stuff

i'm currently in love with this blog 'Una Bella Vita' (a beautiful life) by an american girl called betsey.

it's full of breathtaking photography, great movie stills and beautiful, poetic quotes. my favourite one being:

"i will have poetry in my life, and adventures, and love. love above all. no, not the artful postures of love, not playful and poetical games of love for the amusement of an evening. but love that overthrows life. unbiddable, ungovernable, like a riot in the heart and nothing to be done, come ruin or rapture."

-shakespeare in love
^ that's just beautious.

if like me, you could do with some beauty in your life, check it out.
www.peacelovebellavita.blogspot.com

i techniclly stole this one off elinor. (A)

If my life were a movie this is what my soundtrack will be.

To do this basically you have to put your ipod/itunes/any music thing on shuffle and see what it comes up with. Each time you get a song you type it next to a part of your life but you have to do it in order (if that makes ANY sense.)

Opening Credits : only in 3's - the breeders
Waking Up Scene : love is just the great pretender - animal nightlife
Getting Ready Scene : the puerto rican fence climber - the monochrome set
Car Driving Scene : king of england - hot puppies
High School Flashback Scene : the ballroom blitz - sweet
Nostalgic Scene : ant invasion - adam and the ants
Angry Scene: license to confuse - sebadoh
Agony, Painful Scene: going underground - the jam
Break-up Scene : great expectations - new model army
Sad, Breakdown Scene : i was a doledad's toy boy - the style council
Nightclub/Dance Scene : date with the night - yeah yeah yeahs
Buddy/Sidekick Scene: she drives me crazy - fine young cannibals
Life's OK: for the longest time - the undertones/billy joel
Dreaming of Someone Scene: bitter sweet - new model army
Contemplation Scene: life at a top people's health farm - the style council
Love Scene: you're tender and you're tired - manic street preachers
Kissing Scene: hear that sound - inxs
Relaxing Scene: scarlet fields - the horrors
Action/Fight Scene: spit on a stranger - pavement
Victory Scene : melody lee - the damned
Closing Credits: time passes... - paul weller

hahah, some of those were genius. others... not so much.