right, so, because of this whole m.e situation, i'm having to have cognitive behavioural therapy, which is supposed to change the way you interpret and think about things, and noticing how certain thoughts can affect your energy levels and helping yourself through changing them. the psychologist i see is really lovely, although he does make me cry almost every time i see him because i don't like talking about the condition and everything. he (and practically everyone else in my life) keeps telling me that bottling things up the way i do, and blocking out particular subjects and people is having an adverse effecton on me. he wants me to talk to someone when there's something wrong, not ignore it and pretend i'm okay.
well, i'm not very good at talking about myself, especially important things, so i'm doing it through a quiz. interviews are easier than monologues. i think i'll be better at it if i'm asked questions directly and can answer them directly, rather than just talk inanely about stuff. so here goes.
TEN things you wish you could say to TEN different people right now:
1.
i'm senselessly and unwillingly in love with you. and it fucking hurts. because i know you don't love me anymore, you don't look at me the same, you don't say my name that way or crave me like you used to. but i can't tell you because you're with her. and it kills me.
2.
i know you're trying your best, and i appreciate it, but you're not always right and being stubborn about that isn't going to help anyone
3.
you infuriate me sometimes
4.
please don't die.
5.
i hope you know by now that i never said what she told you i did, and that you know me well enough to know that i wouldn't. i really really miss you.
6.
seriously, what's wrong with you? i've never done anything to you and yet you do this to me? i know what you're going through, i am as well, and it's fucking hard, but you don't see me doing that to other people, do you?
7.
i like you, but not like that
8.
i admire you
9.
thank you.
10.
just fuck off.
NINE things about yourself:
1.
i come over as confident and self assured, but i'm actually very shy and in-secure about a lot of things - just good at hiding it
2.
i'm tired of being teenage.
3.
i love books. especially comparing sociological novels from different time periods, which i guess makes me a geek. but i'd rather live in the world that my favourite authors create than this ruthless, sadistic one.
4.
i'm completely obsessed with music. krautrock, psychedelia, post-punk, motown, rock'n'roll, psychobilly, art/noise rock. i love it, but no one else i know does so i can't talk about it.
5.
i feel distant from my friends because i've not long been in their group but am never at school with them and don't have the energy to go out with them so i feel like a gate-crasher when i do go to school
6.
i don't like talking or thinking about my feelings so i'm always doing something else to take my mind off it. making paper cranes and playing solitaire (with cards, not computer) are the latest.
7.
i did something really stupid over christmas to get back at a friend for something she did in return to something she was told i said but i actually didn't, and i really regret reacting to it, because now she doesn't like me. but i really miss her.
8.
i hate how i look in everything i wear, there's always one part that looks hideous. i stopped wearing make-up when i realised it couldn't change my face
9.
i really love ballet. i desperately want to get better so i can return to my classes.
EIGHT ways to win your heart:
1.
don't make false promises. and keep the one's you do.
2.
DON'T cheat on me. the one thing i hate in this world more than anything else is infidelity. i don't understand it
3.
don't pick me up and drop me down at your convenience
4.
don't lie to me. don't tell me you love me unless you do.
5.
enjoy my company. fuck off if you don't.
6.
hug me regularly without trying to feel me up.
7.
don't EVER send me chocolates, teddy bears, heart shaped cushions or cheesy cards
8.
don't try and be something you're not when you're with me. pretending to be manly won't impress me, neither will pretending you're sensitive. the only way i'll be impressed by you is if you're genuine, and not scared to be so.
SEVEN things that cross your mind a lot:
1.
the future.
2.
my career
3.
friends
4.
the things i regret
5.
certain people who i wish were still in my life
6.
what my friends think of me
7.
if i'll get better and what will happen if i don't
SIX things you do before you go to bed:
1.
check my phone for messages
2.
brush my teeth
3.
change into some old clothes and slip under the duvet before i can see my reflection
4.
read my book
5.
ponder things
6.
twenty five sit ups. it tires me out, but makes up for the exercise i can no longer do
FIVE people who mean a lot.
1.
family
2.
school friends
3.
other friends
4.
that cancer on my brain who i still stupidly love
5.
reflexologist - she's wise, and is almost my second therapist
FOUR things you’re wearing right now.
1.
nude tshirt with lace at the top
2.
black lace skirt
3.
opaque black tights
4.
...underwear
THREE songs that currently describe your life.
1.
weirdo - charlatans -- i don't really fit in anywhere, but i guess a lot of people think that.
2.
waiting - new model army -- it seems that that has become the story of my life - waiting.
3.
i don't have a god - robots in disguise -- i've decided that it's just not feasible. if there were some higher power that was just, well, things would be very different to how they are now
TWO things you want to do before you die:
1.
learn to actually tell people how i feel about them and not let them slip through my fingers
2.
play rosemary in the evil seed by joanne harris if it's adapted into a film, and play mrs lovett in sweeney todd, either on stage or in a remake
ONE confession:
1.
i've never been that deeply honest about some of this stuff
